Here comes the bride

The love birds have chosen dates for their engagement and wedding ceremonies. The engagement ceremony is scheduled for a Thursday. The wedding holds the following Saturday. That’s the regular wedding pattern in our days. But has it always been like that?

The marriage covenant goes beyond the two main actors in many African customs. It binds together two ębi (family, lineage). In some case it may merge two towns or communities together.

Before now, a young man would set his eyes on a damsel in the community. He wouldn’t ‘toast’ her himself. He would send to her an alaréna – the middleman who conveyed the young man’s feeling to the damsel. It was also this ‘messenger of peace’ who would be conveying when and where the ‘dates’ would take place.

That’s one scenario.

Another scenario was where the young man spotted the damsel and asked his mother to approach the damsel’s family on his behalf.

One other scenario was when the man’s family who had become fed up with his prolonged bachelorhood – or should I say, who were ashamed of his prolonged bachelorhood – would themselves go out to find a bride for him. It might have been the same for a woman. This scenario also played out when some of our brothers went abroad to study. Some of them sent requests home for wives to be arranged for them. Photos are exchanged and the traditional wedding took place with the groom in absentia – his family stood in for him. Passport would be obtained for this woman who would then travel abroad ‘to join husband’.

A young woman who became pregnant for a man automatically became his wife – ęni bimǫ fun ni yatǫ si ale ęni. She’s recognised as his wife by his family as well as her family even if the man bid his time in bringing dowry.

Once the young man made known his intention of wanting the damsel as a life partner, his family would go to town and ask questions on the girl’s family. Ditto the girl’s family. Some of the questions would be to know if there was any hereditary disease e.g. mental health disease, if the family had good reputation. The above would be asked from men. Other questions would be taken to Ifa, god of divination from whom parents would enquire how and what the future held for the union in the areas of:

– Prosperity

– Procreation (would there be pa-ta-pa-ta sound of young feet)

– Peace in the home

– Sudden death.

Any negative point that came up would be cancelled with sacrifices as proscribed by the god.

It was after all these behind-the-scene work had been successfully carried out that the wedding ceremonies would be scheduled.

First of these ceremonies was Mǫ mi n’mǫ ǫ – introduction – whereby family members of the two sides met and interacted with each other. It was elders and some other older family members of the man’s who would initiate this move. On the heels of this ceremony was the idana when the bride price was paid. The best was saved for the last. So the mega among the ceremonies was the igbeyawo – the wedding itself, a ceremony celebrated as loud and lavish as the families’ means could afford. In almost all the southern Nigerian tribes, one gathers that the prospective groom family carries different items as gifts to the bride’s family on the wedding day. The quantity and specification differ from tribe to tribe. These items include yam, dry fish, kolanuts, alligator pepper, palm oil…… Nowadays the bride’s family not only receive gifts they also dish out some gifts in return.

Of course this practice can be abused and it’s known to have been abused. There are some girl’s families that request for a much larger quantity of each item. Some do this because of their daughter’s high educational qualification or because of the man’s family social standing.

I’ve heard of a case where the girl’s family’s request was seen to be over the top by the fiancé. The girl’s pleas to her family to bring their demand down fell on deaf ears. The fiancé then threatened to call off the ceremony.

– Let them keep their daughter. He called their bluff.

He could do that because the young woman was pregnant.

Prof. Akinjogbin writes that culture ‘…….. is not static. It is dynamic ……’ It should be stated that the Yoruba have discarded items in their marriage tradition that are no longer useful at this particular period. New items have been adopted to suit the circumstances of our times. The marriage ceremonies have been curtailed into two only namely the engagement and the wedding.

But could one say that the Ękun iyawo – a poem recited by the bride as she’s leaving her family home is ‘no longer useful at this particular period’? Some of these poem-songs were sung by us as children without us knowing the importance. There are some of us who would still remember, Iya mo mi lǫ f’adura sin mi o ………. – Mother, pray for me as I go on my way.

The iyawo goes to her husband’s house. She finds that it’s a new school entirely, very different from her family home. Sometimes she spends months/years in her in-laws’ house before she and her husband finally move to their own home. There’s an unwritten rule for the iyawo vis-a-vis all the children she meets in her husband family – those born before her wedding to him. She chooses nicknames for each of them. Even if she had been on first-name basis with some of them prior to her marriage, once she joins that family, it’s considered disrespect on her part to call them by their first names.

In my family, my siblings and I grew up calling our uncles and aunties names, such as Uncle Awę, Aunty Ibadi-aran, which were nicknames given to them by their iyawo, our mother.

O’Yemi Afolabican be reached via: oyemiajike@gmail.com / @oyemiajike