Flaunting your marriage, relationship on Facebook is wrong – Expert
Phyllis Makolo Eze is an experienced marriage counsellor and the initiator of Happy Married Life (HML), a marriage counselling platform which is making waves in the social media and offline. In this interview with Ebere Chibuzor, Paris-based marriage expert advises couples not to display their marital issues and relationships on social media including Facebook.
What is HML all about?
Happy Married Life (HML) is a group I created to bring in light into many marriages of today because I see spouses fighting for no reason, killing each other and doing all kinds of unbelievable things ignorantly. From my perspective, I thought that I should step in and make the world know and understand the meaning of marriage in the real sense of it.
What inspired you in the first place?
I am very much interested in the success of any marriage. So I kept reading some articles on marriage. I also observe posts on Facebook and most times I hear ladies and men say some things that does not actually make sense. Sometimes, I hear spouses getting a divorce because of simple and common things as small as toothpaste which to me is very silly.
To correct this anomaly, I decided to come up with a platform where marital issues should be tackled professionally and holistically. As a married woman, my inspiration also comes from the experiences in my own marriage. It was a big challenge to me and my marriage gave me an inspiration to do it too. I look at it, this way that if mine can work, I strongly believe every other marriage can equally work too.
When you started who were your target audience?
Well, my target audience are majorly married spouses, single parents and singles, who are yet to be married. They are the people I had in mind from the very first beginning. Apart from HML, I also have n Non-Governmental Organisation (NGO) which I manage and use to reach out to people as well.
What prepared for such marriage task?
First of all, I am a Christian and they are many lessons to learn from the book of life and that is the Bible. Beyond that, I came from a family of 5 and am the first child out of 3 children. My mum is an evangelist; so I grew up in a very strict Christian home.
My dad was not actually into Christ then, but I knew him as one of the best dad, every little girl would think of having in life. I always say then, when I was younger that I want to be like him. I had that feeling that I would take care of my kids like him.
I had that dream to help people like him because he is a selfless man. Honestly, I learnt a lot from my parent because God gave my father a wife who is always there to support him both in prayer and everything he needs. They play together as if they are still in their 20’s. I had always imagined, to have a home like that. That is also what I want in all families.
What do you think is the major cause of problems in marriages in Nigeria today?
From my own standpoint I think the major cause of problems in marriage is lack of understanding in marriages, knowledge and truth. In Africa, childlessness has contributed to the issues due to the fact most African cultures have so much attachments to children and that is why it is a major challenge facing some marriages today in Africa.
There are different causes of childlessness in marriages; for example, infections, accident, spiritual situation, family planning such as pills and too much abortion. My advice to such spouses is for them to pray fervently as that is the only solution. Prayers move mountains, no matter the situation. Although, the doctors are there, just doing their job but God has the final say in any situation.
Do you think the churches are doing enough in terms of interventions in marriages?
Yes, like I said earlier, understanding, knowledge, wisdom is the key. Most churches lack some of these important ingredients and features; that is why, most spouses they guide, can’t get it right simply because they lack those things.
You can’t give what you don’t have. That is why they go around the circle. When all these features I mentioned are being applied in a marriage, that marriage must work. I have seen some churches, organisations and people giving seminar about marriages wrongly; they give the wrong information about marriage and that is detrimental.
I am a Christian but I respect people’s beliefs. HML has no focus on any tribe or creed, it is a group created with people who have different beliefs from mine. You can’t force anyone to believe in what you believe. But one thing I know and believe in is what you do should show who you are.
Do you think marriages in Nigeria has the same issues with those in Europe where you live?
The western world is quite different. For example, there are laws in Europe which they abide with, unlike what is obtainable in Africa. The number of kids is a choice and there is no law against that. The only reason why people give birth to two children or fewer children and they stop is just to give them a good and better education in life.
Those who want to have numerous children are free but they will not get any help again, from the society. Sometimes, infidelity is an issue too However, that is when agape love comes in. Agape love is the only love a spouse will have that will enable him forgive his cheating spouses and love her unconditionally.
But a man who don’t have such love can never do it. This is because he can’t imagine himself sleeping with her; he will only imagine, how she was sleeping with the other guy. Another aspect is ownership of properties. Africa has a culture stipulating that, when a man marries you, everything about you belongs to him and in the western world a woman’s salary lies with her.
But I believe it depends on one’s ideology!! At what age do you think is the best time for a lady to get married? Marriage don’t actually have any age. when you are above 21, one can go but it all depends on how psychologically ready, the person is. Marriage is not something you wake up, one morning and say, you want to go in, because you will go out.
What should men look out before they say I do?
A man should take his time to look and study a girl properly before going into marriage. He should also pray and seek God’s decision. Haven done this, he will be lead him and directed on what to do. He should never choose a lady because she is beautiful. He should choose his wife by attitude to him and to others.
The most important way is to go for a woman with the fear of God. I always counsel people to always go for a man or a woman who at least, have the tool box, even though he or she don’t know how to use it. But if they go for a woman or a man without a tool box, they are in big trouble. What I mean by tool box is the almighty God.
However, life is filled with ups and down never, people should never give up on their dreams in life. They should always stand up straight, no matter what people say to them. They should be courageous and most importantly, God fearing; knowing God will create the right path for them.
What can you say about couple displaying their love on the social media like Facebook?
From the very beginning I knew such demonstrations are not real. It does not only occur on Facebook, it does occur physically among friends. Well the best thing to do is never to flaunt your marriage or relationship on Facebook because they are many dangers inherit in it due to undue exposure to the global arena.
Relationship should not be celebrated on public pages because it has a negative and positive side. To avoid any misconception, it is better to keep our affairs away from the public domain.
