Domestic violence: Aggressive wives on the prowl?

Naturally, the first thing that comes to mind at the mention of “domestic violence” is the picture of a woman beaten to pulp by her husband, but not anymore. Available statistics show that a great number of men are also victims of domestic violence.

Data from Home Office Statistical bulletin and the British Crime Survey, for example, show that men made up to some 40% of domestic violence victims each year between 2004 -05 and 2008- 09.

In Nigeria, from North to South, East to West, there are many unreported cases of men who, on a daily basis, suffer domestic violence, but are ashamed to share their experiences for fear of not being seen as weaklings, The Daily Times has gathered.

Domestic violence against men

Athletic, fierce looking and tall, domestic violence victim, Mr. Rotimi Adesanya’s demeanour only betrays his looks, confirming the old idiom that looks, indeed, can be deceptive.

Angered that her hubby had neglected his fatherly responsibilities for alcohol, his wife, Sade, had hit him with a rod on his head in the heat of a domestic scuffle, leaving him gasping for breath on the floor. “You will come and meet me here…Shameless man!”

Neighbours, onlookers gathered in front of their Ashimolowo residence, Ofada, Ogun State for the unexpected – and they got it as the woman, still livid with rage, continued: “I feed you, feed your children, pay their school fees, yet, the little you get you spend on beer and women.’’

A neighbour of the couple who spoke to The Daily Times in confidence revealed that the couple had been given quit notice by their landlord because of constant fighting.

“The man does the house chores; even the children don’t bear his surname but the man doesn’t seem to care. Our landlord thinks the man is probably under her spell – especially because she sits on him while beating him and doesn’t care who is watching!”

The neighbour added that Sade had been seen flogging her husband and that their landlord fears she may kill the man one day.

While Rotimi is lucky to be alive, some men have not so been as they have been sent to early graves by husband beaters.

A case in point is Lowo Oyediran, a France-based business man who met his untimely death after he was stabbed by his Ibadan-based lawyer wife and a staff of the Directorate of Public Prosecution (DPP) in the Oyo State Ministry of Justice, Yewande Oyediran, at their 30, Adeniyi Layout, Abidi Odan, Akobo area of Ibadan on February 2, 2016.

Delivering judgment on the incident that happened over a year ago recently, Justice Mukhtar Abimbola of the Oyo State High Court said the evidence before the court showed that Yewande and her late husband had frequently engaged in domestic violence before Lowo was killed. Abimbola said the defendant (Yewande) had earlier confirmed that she had stabbed her husband a day before he was killed. Yewande was convicted recently for manslaughter and sentenced to seven years imprisonment.

Enter the son of former Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) Chairman, Bilyamin Bello, 35, who was alleged to have been killed by his wife, Maryam Sanda, after stabbing him several times.

According to reports, it was not the first time Maryam would attack her husband, Bilyamin, violently. Checks revealed that Bilyamin was lying in a pool of his blood when he was at the Maitama hospital Abuja, with deep cuts on his chest, shoulder and bite wounds on his stomach. Though his wife, Maryam, has denied ever stabbing him, claiming Bilyamin sustained injuries from a broken shisha pot, the only fruit of their marriage, eight-month old Sa’adatu, will remain fatherless. Like time, the life of baby Sa’adatu’s father cannot be recovered.

Postpartum mental ailment can make killer wives – Consultant Psychiatrist

Commenting on the development, a Consultant Psychiatrist, Dr Musa Umar, of the Aminu Kano Teaching Hospital, Kano in an interview with The Daily Times said reported and unreported cases of husbands that have been killed by their wives may not be unconnected with postpartum mental ailment.

While he concedes that some wives may be violent or aggressive without mental ailment, Umar says postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis have been associated in a number of cases with aggressive or violent behaviour towards other individuals.

He said these mental conditions could occur within the first one year after a woman gives birth.

“But the individual needs to be assessed by a psychiatrist to be sure that the individual truly has that mental condition,’’ he said.

On what could be the cause of postpartum depression, Umar said, “It could be genetic, it could also be psychological stress that the woman passed through, lack of social support, but it mainly has to do with some changes in the chemistry of the brain.’’

Why all hands must be on deck to check menace

Psychologist and lecturer at Languages Department, School of Liberal Studies, Nuhu Bamali Polytechnic, Zaria, Aisha Umar, told our correspondent that parents, religious leaders, etc, have a role to play to check domestic violence.

She identifies movies, depression and drug addiction as some of the major causes of domestic violence.

Her words: “This time around, mostly in Northern part of Nigeria, there is so much drug addiction. You see a girl, you think she’s decent and clean but at the end of the day, you get to know she’s a drug addict. Even the one involving Maryam Sanda, a pot of shisha was found in the house, which signifies they were taking it.

“The other is depression. You see someone who is so depressed that he doesn’t care if they are killed or if they kill someone.“

Aisha Umar suggests teaching the young ones morals.

She said, “Most parents today don’t have time for the children. We care more about money and fame and put the children in care of just anybody. From what I know, none of the two major religions permit killing another man. We need to educate our children religiously and put them on the right path so they don’t go astray when they grow up.’’

In the same vein, philosopher, Bukola Taiwo, says domestic violence can’t be divorced from upbringing. “If a lady was always beaten up as a child, and was told she was being corrected out of love, she is likely to get violent when she gets married. The other day, a virtual friend said she grew up knowing that beating and slapping her was her parent’s way of correcting her in love. As a result, she said she used to slap her husband at the slightest provocation because she felt it was another way of showing love when one wants to correct a loved one – until she got the right education.

“Trait can be another cause of domestic violence; some people are naturally temperamental and they can cause unimaginable degree of havoc when they get angry. Therefore, it is important for people that have identified this trait to go for anger management classes because emotional intelligence is key,’’ she added.

We need to change societal expectations – Sola Salako

Meanwhile, Public Affairs commentator and founder of Consumer Advocacy Foundation of Nigeria, Sola Salako, has called for more advocacy to stem the tide of domestic violence.

She told The Daily Times that: “One thing the society can do is to do a lot more advocacy, help people to know that there is stress in life and when you are stressed, there are alternative ways of resolving issues.

“You don’t need to resort to violence. It’s something that requires a whole lot of citizen education and then we can start having structures that help people go through stressful life. Counseling and all those things.’’

Salako, however, encouraged couples to seek counseling to cement relationships. She says the misconception that problems in marriage mean failure must be dispelled to save marriages from total collapse.

“We need to start seeing counseling as part of what will help marriages and individuals. People don’t want other people to know what is going on in their lives and in the end, they become victims of mental health,“ she stated.

Salako implored the government to start paying more attention to domestic violence because it has assumed an alarming dimension.

“Nobody should be frustrated to the point where the only way out is to slaughter somebody else, that should not be acceptable in any society,’’ she said.

On why people stick to marriages that have gone bad, she had this to say: “There is always an option of leaving the place. And the reason people don’t leave is because society considers that if you have a failed marriage that means you must be a failure, and that is why people stay within when they know that they need to get out of a bad marriage. So, we need to do a lot of counselling, we need to change societal expectations”.

Ladesope Ladelokun, Lagos